Josh Jacob Sunday 28 April 2013 York
WELCOME TO MY WORLD
It was a long and tortuous journey. In fact, if anyone had told me about the hazards, I would not have been so keen to make the leap (or in my case the assisted exit) into this world.
I thought I'd be good and on time, so I gave my Mum a gentle nudge around midnight on the previous Thursday. She was pretty cool and contained her joy at embarking on the trip: ready, trained, and committed to accompanying me on the entire journey.
Problem was, I just couldn't make it. I thought I could, as over the previous months I had eased my way into position and we had trained together for this 'once only' performance. Truth is, I was just exhausted. The initial stages seemed fun, but after a while I needed a rest and thought I might just stay where I was until someone came to rescue me.
As you can image, this was not very popular with Mum. She has forgiven me now, but at the time there was a lot of pushing and shoving until everyone was exhausted. I just hung in there. There was no choice really, but it seemed to take a long time and a lot of discussion before everyone agreed 'the baby's not for turning...'.
So there it was - bright lights, a large audience and Mum in a bit of a state (guess, I may have to get used to that in the future). I got out quick, but she got a bit dramatic and refused to leave the stage demanding more attention. "Give me more, put me out..", she yelled. By that time, I was in the audience - snug and well in my less than stylish hospital green blanked and acrylic hat (so not me!).
The rest I'll leave to Mum to describe as Dad took me to a quiet place - us men need time to bond, reflect and discuss tactics for an easy life.
Sorry Mum, really will try harder in the future!
I thought I'd be good and on time, so I gave my Mum a gentle nudge around midnight on the previous Thursday. She was pretty cool and contained her joy at embarking on the trip: ready, trained, and committed to accompanying me on the entire journey.
Problem was, I just couldn't make it. I thought I could, as over the previous months I had eased my way into position and we had trained together for this 'once only' performance. Truth is, I was just exhausted. The initial stages seemed fun, but after a while I needed a rest and thought I might just stay where I was until someone came to rescue me.
As you can image, this was not very popular with Mum. She has forgiven me now, but at the time there was a lot of pushing and shoving until everyone was exhausted. I just hung in there. There was no choice really, but it seemed to take a long time and a lot of discussion before everyone agreed 'the baby's not for turning...'.
So there it was - bright lights, a large audience and Mum in a bit of a state (guess, I may have to get used to that in the future). I got out quick, but she got a bit dramatic and refused to leave the stage demanding more attention. "Give me more, put me out..", she yelled. By that time, I was in the audience - snug and well in my less than stylish hospital green blanked and acrylic hat (so not me!).
The rest I'll leave to Mum to describe as Dad took me to a quiet place - us men need time to bond, reflect and discuss tactics for an easy life.
Sorry Mum, really will try harder in the future!
Lost in time
Well, I would like to say Day Two, but to be honest I don't think any of us knows which day it is...Mum is back and surprisingly chilled - says some really odd things and has a mask on her face which she keeps trying to take off and throw across the room. Says half a sentence and then closes her eyes and goes quiet.
I'm a bit of an afterthought now, destined for a quite corner in life. Guess I need to make a bit of a statement, so I choose the easy route for attention - a request for a new location and upgrade to an incubator. You can blame Mum for this - she's hot, I'm cold and she wins.
The fan is on full and she is attached to various bags - some putting things in and some taking stuff out - yet she manages to smile at me before I snuggle up in my new pen.
It starts to get a bit more fun now as we have visitors: lots of important, knowledgable people who want to tell Mum the details of our performance. Like critics after a show, they need to prove that they were actually there (although one admits he missed the event..) and appraise the performance. To be quite honest, I'm not sure she was that thrilled as she still looks pooped and I guess she and I were the only ones who really know how it felt.
I am a little concerned that she seems to be getting bigger - her hands and the bits I can see are swelling. Are they inflating her for a purpose? More people gather to discuss the situation. One thinks more fluid is the way to go, the other not....The later wins. But deflation is to take some time and I am required to snuggle up to expanding, immobile flesh. I am tired, very tired, but determined to do my best. I nestle, I twist, I turn and I try and reach the connection. She is manoeuvred, propped and slid into various positions. We try, but admit defeat, bonded now by a mutual need for sleep and time to recover.
I'm a bit of an afterthought now, destined for a quite corner in life. Guess I need to make a bit of a statement, so I choose the easy route for attention - a request for a new location and upgrade to an incubator. You can blame Mum for this - she's hot, I'm cold and she wins.
The fan is on full and she is attached to various bags - some putting things in and some taking stuff out - yet she manages to smile at me before I snuggle up in my new pen.
It starts to get a bit more fun now as we have visitors: lots of important, knowledgable people who want to tell Mum the details of our performance. Like critics after a show, they need to prove that they were actually there (although one admits he missed the event..) and appraise the performance. To be quite honest, I'm not sure she was that thrilled as she still looks pooped and I guess she and I were the only ones who really know how it felt.
I am a little concerned that she seems to be getting bigger - her hands and the bits I can see are swelling. Are they inflating her for a purpose? More people gather to discuss the situation. One thinks more fluid is the way to go, the other not....The later wins. But deflation is to take some time and I am required to snuggle up to expanding, immobile flesh. I am tired, very tired, but determined to do my best. I nestle, I twist, I turn and I try and reach the connection. She is manoeuvred, propped and slid into various positions. We try, but admit defeat, bonded now by a mutual need for sleep and time to recover.
It can only get better
Well, we've done it. We're home! Out in the world and a little battered, but we will stay indoors for a while until I have total control over everyone's life. I am doing well so far - my few belongings are scattered over three floors and the garage. I am able to make new aquisitions on the internet or by sending someone into town on a daily basis.
I'm still a little ambivalent about this feeding thing - too tired, or maybe just not my taste. Mums getting a little tetchy - not looking her best I'm told. Guess she wouldn't have had much chance of conceiving me if she always looked like that... The white hospital socks and the limited wardrobe choices must be getting her down. Not my problem though - I have lots to chose from and more arrive each day!
I'm still a little ambivalent about this feeding thing - too tired, or maybe just not my taste. Mums getting a little tetchy - not looking her best I'm told. Guess she wouldn't have had much chance of conceiving me if she always looked like that... The white hospital socks and the limited wardrobe choices must be getting her down. Not my problem though - I have lots to chose from and more arrive each day!
Time to meet the family
It cannot be avoided any longer. I have kept my eyes tightly closed and stayed close to Mum and Dad. But I am now ready for a few introductions.
Uncle Dominic may be fun, but perhaps not the steady type. I am only a few pounds, but quite expressive and keen to make new friends. Dom shows interest and a friendly approach, but after a few tickles and boy stuff, hands me over and retreats to his den. I am told he is leaving for London, but I am not taking this personally. I am eyeing his room with the ensuite and direct access to the garden.
Mum has restricted visitors (actually she has banned them completely as she fears they may not recognise her). Today I am going to meet the grandparents. Mum's Mum is helping me write this site, so I will be limited to any comments about her, except to say I am determined that her life will be enriched, impoverished and entertained by my presence.
Uncle Dominic may be fun, but perhaps not the steady type. I am only a few pounds, but quite expressive and keen to make new friends. Dom shows interest and a friendly approach, but after a few tickles and boy stuff, hands me over and retreats to his den. I am told he is leaving for London, but I am not taking this personally. I am eyeing his room with the ensuite and direct access to the garden.
Mum has restricted visitors (actually she has banned them completely as she fears they may not recognise her). Today I am going to meet the grandparents. Mum's Mum is helping me write this site, so I will be limited to any comments about her, except to say I am determined that her life will be enriched, impoverished and entertained by my presence.
Missions accomplished
I am one week old and consider myself well established now. Maturity comes in leaps - not the steady progress that others may anticipate. Today I have:
I like this new food: too much Mum says. Mums Mum found a nifty little gadget which means my food is presented in a much more accessible manner - locally grown, fresh and at the right temperature - just the way I like it. OK, I may be a bit of a glutton, but there's little else to do except sleep and when I do that I can hear concerned voices discussing my possible demise. "Got you there!", I say silently to myself, taking a deeper breath and making one of my little noises that has them cooing with delight. Just put me on the X Factor - this boy has got what it takes!
Dressed and prepped with careful consideration of who bought what, I am presented to Dad's Mum and Dad and sister. More gifts! I have learnt my lines and prepared myself for approval (not hard as silence and stillness is the route to bliss - you yogis take so much longer to realise this truth!). They are impressed and join me in a circle of worship with me as the centrepiece - just the way I like it.
Sorry Mum, I know its unfair, but a boy can only be good for so long. But Mum is feeling stronger and looking better too...She says she needs to flee the coop to escape my yells. Luckily she decides to take me too and we prepare for our first journey. Now, I am not really into colour coordination and accessories, but I am learning that this is an important part of babyhood. We need to use the smaller outfits first and adjust these to take into account forecasted temperature variations. Mum also needs to look the part and this is more of a challenge. Gee, what have I done to her? I swear I saw a fleeting look of recrimination in her eyes as she scoots past the Karen Millen and settles on the tie front trousers.
Next hurdle is the launch of the travel transport system. It has been constructed and parked in the garage waiting for the navigator (me). Safety training completed, we set off and apprentice driver (Mum) and her co-driver (Mums Mum) try to negotiate the curves, kerbs and safety bumps into town. To be honest, they might have been better buying a supermarket trolley. You know, the one with the wheel that won't turn or only turns right...
Eventually all goes still and by some miracle I have found my way into a rather quiet, fragrant place where nice people with soothing voices are able to make Mum happy and relaxed again. Tinkling glasses, the sound of fizz and my timely contribution of a few moments peace are all thats needed to celebrate the end of week one in Josh's world.
- Completed stage one of feeding induction training
- Charmed and manipulated family gathering
- Navigated the new baby transport system.
I like this new food: too much Mum says. Mums Mum found a nifty little gadget which means my food is presented in a much more accessible manner - locally grown, fresh and at the right temperature - just the way I like it. OK, I may be a bit of a glutton, but there's little else to do except sleep and when I do that I can hear concerned voices discussing my possible demise. "Got you there!", I say silently to myself, taking a deeper breath and making one of my little noises that has them cooing with delight. Just put me on the X Factor - this boy has got what it takes!
Dressed and prepped with careful consideration of who bought what, I am presented to Dad's Mum and Dad and sister. More gifts! I have learnt my lines and prepared myself for approval (not hard as silence and stillness is the route to bliss - you yogis take so much longer to realise this truth!). They are impressed and join me in a circle of worship with me as the centrepiece - just the way I like it.
Sorry Mum, I know its unfair, but a boy can only be good for so long. But Mum is feeling stronger and looking better too...She says she needs to flee the coop to escape my yells. Luckily she decides to take me too and we prepare for our first journey. Now, I am not really into colour coordination and accessories, but I am learning that this is an important part of babyhood. We need to use the smaller outfits first and adjust these to take into account forecasted temperature variations. Mum also needs to look the part and this is more of a challenge. Gee, what have I done to her? I swear I saw a fleeting look of recrimination in her eyes as she scoots past the Karen Millen and settles on the tie front trousers.
Next hurdle is the launch of the travel transport system. It has been constructed and parked in the garage waiting for the navigator (me). Safety training completed, we set off and apprentice driver (Mum) and her co-driver (Mums Mum) try to negotiate the curves, kerbs and safety bumps into town. To be honest, they might have been better buying a supermarket trolley. You know, the one with the wheel that won't turn or only turns right...
Eventually all goes still and by some miracle I have found my way into a rather quiet, fragrant place where nice people with soothing voices are able to make Mum happy and relaxed again. Tinkling glasses, the sound of fizz and my timely contribution of a few moments peace are all thats needed to celebrate the end of week one in Josh's world.
Moving on
Truth is, I am starting to feel old in the baby world. There are newer, younger babies on the block and it is all going downhill...The cooing is slowing down to a passing 'he's so sweet, when he's quiet' and 'lets hope he stays asleep'. I am getting stronger and what you see as screaming, is my way of expressing my feelings and exploring my emotions. A boy needs to state his case and claim his place in this competitive world.
I am getting bolder too - I can kick, turn and Mum is less than impressed with my oesophageal strength and endurance. She is telling everyone that joining me for a nap is 'a special time', but I reckon she needs to retreat to a quiet place for her own needs. She has also developed additional skills: the ability to manipulate her i pad over my head; satisfy her own liquid requirements and dictate instructions to other members of the household, whilst satisfying my increasing demands.
We are venturing deeper into the suburban jungle of York. I am still being transported in the shopping trolley with the defective steering. I cannot blame the driver as she is gaining in experience (and frustration) as she risks my sanity on an increasingly regular basis. My head slides back and the wind sneaks through the gaps at the side of the non-protective hood. We bump and roll and eventual reach stillness - a signal for me to express my fear with throbbing yells and tight fists.
My future is being planned. I have been booked into swimming classes where I will be submerged into water to encourage my natural reflexes. I am not too keen on this, as I have already discovered a boys natural reflex; to avoid water and most of all soap whenever possible.
I also have a full diary as Mum is victim to a condition commonly known as 'boredom'. My birth gave her a brief reprieve from the symptoms, but they have returned...The house is testimony to the untreatably, possibly inherited trait - the unpainted canvas, the plaster baby 'bump' casts and half finished bangles. I must see myself as fortunate that I made it through to full gestation.
But, I am feeling strong and starting to explore my world - my eyes are open, my belly is full and am loved. Life is going to be fun!
I am getting bolder too - I can kick, turn and Mum is less than impressed with my oesophageal strength and endurance. She is telling everyone that joining me for a nap is 'a special time', but I reckon she needs to retreat to a quiet place for her own needs. She has also developed additional skills: the ability to manipulate her i pad over my head; satisfy her own liquid requirements and dictate instructions to other members of the household, whilst satisfying my increasing demands.
We are venturing deeper into the suburban jungle of York. I am still being transported in the shopping trolley with the defective steering. I cannot blame the driver as she is gaining in experience (and frustration) as she risks my sanity on an increasingly regular basis. My head slides back and the wind sneaks through the gaps at the side of the non-protective hood. We bump and roll and eventual reach stillness - a signal for me to express my fear with throbbing yells and tight fists.
My future is being planned. I have been booked into swimming classes where I will be submerged into water to encourage my natural reflexes. I am not too keen on this, as I have already discovered a boys natural reflex; to avoid water and most of all soap whenever possible.
I also have a full diary as Mum is victim to a condition commonly known as 'boredom'. My birth gave her a brief reprieve from the symptoms, but they have returned...The house is testimony to the untreatably, possibly inherited trait - the unpainted canvas, the plaster baby 'bump' casts and half finished bangles. I must see myself as fortunate that I made it through to full gestation.
But, I am feeling strong and starting to explore my world - my eyes are open, my belly is full and am loved. Life is going to be fun!
Bolt baby!
I am getting stronger by the day! My grip on life (and anything, or anyone that comes my way) is intense. My eyes are open for longer and although I may not get the detail, I know what I want (Mum) and know how to get it... Life is becoming demanding - visitors, trips and displays of my developing talents are in increasing demand. There have been parties, dinners and (worst of all for a boy) shopping trips! I was strapped into a rigid container with thick belts placed round my soft, yielding, fragile body. My head collapsed into my shoulders and banged against the back of the supposedly supporting structure - alternating with swinging from side to side as we progressed with our journey. Mum sat beside me, but appeared equally uncomfortable - twisting and jittering - she says the car is in need of an upgrade - four doors and a BMW/Mercedes logo would be acceptable - I can stay at home in future! But the journey was the good bit. When we arrived, I stayed calm (stunned) and kept myself to myself as Mum and Mums Mum placed my carrier into a shopping trolley (it was too small but they wedged me in). I was then transferred by carrier to another shop where Mum decided she was too exhausted and incapable of walking any further. The lure of the upper floor cafe meant we joined the rest of the weary shoppers and escaping babies for a weak cupper at a vinyl table under agressive lighting for a rest...Not my idea of a relaxing environment! So, I screamed - a lot! Mum has decided that we will not be going shopping together again for some time. Success!!!
International style
My fame is spreading! I have received so many gifts and I will be looking stylish for years to come. This week i received a parcel from Australia from Mum's friend Alex who she has known since my age (they shared a Nanny, so guess Mum's Mum and Alex's Mum didn't hang around for long after they were born...). Not only were there some great clothes, but chocky biscuits which Mum wouldn't share with me. Mum is now rumbling - full of chocolate and dreams of Oz!
Guard dog
I have at last met another important member of the family. George has been staying away to give me time to take over his territory. It took him a while to discover me as I was keeping quiet in case he was cross at my stealing his favourite spots - sitting on people and taking over the sofa. He was pretty cool - had a look, a sniff and then settled at my side. I guess I have found a friend - someone who can teach me how to manipulate and control all the big people !
ROCKET MAN
Mum is showing amazing patience and tenacity. I am still alive, thriving and into my second month. I can stay awake and keep my eyes open for longer. The downside? Five am waking and constant refuelling (Mum is now wearing the 'cantaloupe' bra, taking antibiotics and clenching her teeth during one of my leisurely two hour feeds). She is trying to distract me by introducing me to other activities; Elton John is a firm favourite and I am expected to listen to Mum's Mum reading from New Scientist. I prefer a relaxing bath in preparation for the swimming classes which are imminent. Mum has started to walk at an alarming speed, thrusting the shopping trolley travel system through crowded streets, ignoring the inquiring stares of tourists enjoying the peace of the city, which is disrupted by my throbbing bleats. I have developed an amusing skill - I can pretend to be fast asleep and as soon as Mum sits down for a natter, join the conversation with an initial grunt and a wriggle which I can quickly develop into an uncontrollable rant. Such fun!
The street race is part of Mum's increasing desire for wardrobe variety (although I like the large shirts, leggings and scarves which she insists on throwing over my head during my al fresco snacking). She thought she had found a balance - something about, as I put on a pound, she loses one...But this is not always consistent and now she is looking at other ways - the fore mentioned chariot challenge and lying on the floor, knees bent, making strange grunting sounds. She is also going out without me! I knew this would happen and to be honest it is not for long and I am well cared for, but this is a shock to her and me as she rushes back to find me (as expected) red, lips puckered and in need of yet another feed...
The street race is part of Mum's increasing desire for wardrobe variety (although I like the large shirts, leggings and scarves which she insists on throwing over my head during my al fresco snacking). She thought she had found a balance - something about, as I put on a pound, she loses one...But this is not always consistent and now she is looking at other ways - the fore mentioned chariot challenge and lying on the floor, knees bent, making strange grunting sounds. She is also going out without me! I knew this would happen and to be honest it is not for long and I am well cared for, but this is a shock to her and me as she rushes back to find me (as expected) red, lips puckered and in need of yet another feed...
happy birthday mum
Ok, so I'm just a boy, but I do know I have to be sensitive here...It was Mum's ?'th birthday last week (they say 'day' but in this family it lasts at least a week). We did the shopping with Dad on Saturday and my amazing abilities were stretched to buying perfume, cards, cake and Cava. I am a little saddened that life is moving away from total dedication to me, but guess I will have to take a back seat at some stage. Mum's Mum decided that it was time to uproot us all and take us to London to meet Great Aunt Amanda and reunite with Dom the 'greatest' (he has now surpassed all family expectations by establishing himself in London super quick - job, flat and an urban sophistication). Great Aunt Amanda was a surprise, arriving at our rather luxurious hotel room, gifts in hand and surprising Mum who was tempted, but avoiding ordering room service...Great Aunt A is delighted with her new role, although a little misguided - she seems think 'great' relates to her abilities, not to her hierarchy in the family.
So, I have now cracked national rail (slept all the way there and back) London taxis (hot and expensive) underground (dirty and exhausting) and involuntary visits to shops that Mum says are out of our reach at the moment (I assume she means financially and not encouraging a future of shoplifting). Fortnums brought a smile to her face which increased when she drunk the contents of her purchase in a sunny Green Park and although the final photo shows the result of the trip - stunned gratitude of surviving the adventure and relief at being home - I reckon she enjoyed her birthday. Happy Birthday Mum!!!!
So, I have now cracked national rail (slept all the way there and back) London taxis (hot and expensive) underground (dirty and exhausting) and involuntary visits to shops that Mum says are out of our reach at the moment (I assume she means financially and not encouraging a future of shoplifting). Fortnums brought a smile to her face which increased when she drunk the contents of her purchase in a sunny Green Park and although the final photo shows the result of the trip - stunned gratitude of surviving the adventure and relief at being home - I reckon she enjoyed her birthday. Happy Birthday Mum!!!!
Express yourself
Look at me! One moment, deep, peaceful sleep; the next total distress. It takes a nano second, has an amazing, instant reaction from the doting observers and guarantees attention. Even better, I can do this with ease, frequency and no lasting after effects - what fun!!!
This may be cool, but last week the screams were longer and merited. A trip in the now familiar extended travel system - seat, car, carry - and we were in unfamiliar territory. To date, nice ladies have visited, measured, weighed and discussed my spectacular progress and Mums repairing pouch and extended food station. Now we go to them. The usual enquiries were followed by a grimace from Mum, a tight hold and a sharp pop in the podgy part of my leg. Not nice - really people, not nice! I know Mum does it for me and I can now feel confident in my resistance to bugs, falls and the wear and tear that living in this world will entail - but it really was a shock and I felt a little queasy later. I'm not going there again.
This may be cool, but last week the screams were longer and merited. A trip in the now familiar extended travel system - seat, car, carry - and we were in unfamiliar territory. To date, nice ladies have visited, measured, weighed and discussed my spectacular progress and Mums repairing pouch and extended food station. Now we go to them. The usual enquiries were followed by a grimace from Mum, a tight hold and a sharp pop in the podgy part of my leg. Not nice - really people, not nice! I know Mum does it for me and I can now feel confident in my resistance to bugs, falls and the wear and tear that living in this world will entail - but it really was a shock and I felt a little queasy later. I'm not going there again.
Olympic prep
OK, its early days, but I guess I may have what it takes. I have been to baby swimming classes and now do a little home practice. The first dunk was a breeze - warm pool, strong instruction and no resistance. The second time we were evicted from the pool for bad, inappropriate behaviour that was affecting the other babies in training. Third time, I excelled again and I have been warned that the initiation is over and next time I will be thrown under to sink or swim. Apparently, my natural reflexes will ensure my survival. I'm not so sure, so I'm relying on Mum's natural reflexes to keep me safe. Perhaps, I should let her have some sleep to make sure she is alert on the day.
YO Yo Yoga
Off again. This time to Whitby for a Yoga and Spa break. Another opportunity to meet some new fans and have some fun. All good, apart from the travel system. Getting it into the car boot made Mum very stressed (shame she wasn't doing the yoga - there are times when she certainly needs it...). Putting it together was more of a strain, involving hotel staff, management and a You Tube video. A bit rocky and the unreliable steering meant Mums Mum almost lost me down the undulating slope after visiting the alpacas....But, the spa was great, although Mum said it was not warm enough for me to display my swimming skills. She also thought my stylish swim shorts might not contain any contents that may be emitted, stimulated by the cold water...My yoga skills are developing as I can now hold up my head and sit up. This is now my preferred position as lying on my back now bores me as I have seen enough ceilings and nostrils. I am now expected to practise regular stretches, but I am afraid it will be some time before I appreciate the benefits of stillness, silence and meditation.